Monthly Archives: November 2012

Christmas Photo? Nope

Apparently, it’s Christmas card time which means I have to be subjected to the camera…again.  Seriously.  Like I’m Gisele or something.  Here’s a tidbit about me…I buck the system.  A non-conformist.  You say left…I go right.  The photographer tries all kinds of tricks to make me look like a sap.  I saw Peanut during his photo shoot.  Dude, really?  This is not going to be a calendar.  You want a picture of me?  Then you are going to get Real Riley.  So when I was dropped off for photos at daycare last week, my Mom didn’t have a clue what my pictures would look like until today.  I’m sure she clicked thru the other dogs’ photos and thought “how cute!”  Then she got to mine.  Checkmate.

Merry freaking Christmas, from Riley

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PTBWD (Post Traumatic Boot Wearing Disorder)

Embarrassing on so many levels

Okay…what is this?  What self-respecting dog wears these?  Clearly this puppy is being taken advantage of.  Look into his eyes?  He has that wild-eyed look like he’s on the hunt for another hit of Beggin’ Strips.  Where are the “puppy rights” advocates?  Has America learned nothing from the downward spirals of Spuds MacKenzie (strung out on Bud Light), Scooby Doo (high as a kite with his dealer Shaggy) and Baxter (who, after reaching international fame in the movie Anchorman, started wearing Sex Panther cologne and taking “mood enhancers”)?  Apparently, 60% of the time, it works every time.

Parents…this is a plea.  We don’t like this stuff.  You are wasting your money.  Money that can be used to buy us more treats, gourmet dog food, toys and days at doggie daycare.  You need to learn to prioritize.

Let me life coach you for a minute and offer you a personal testimony.  I’m a recovering “boot wearer”…my grandfather bought a pair for my uncle last Christmas…who promptly re-gifted to me.  Traumatic doesn’t begin to describe what happened.  The phrases “keep his paws clean from snow” and “less mud tracked in” were thrown around and next thing I know, I’ve been hog-tied and boots were strapped on me.  I still suffer night terrors.

Uncle Payton modeling the Winter 2011 Dog Boot Collection with major attitude. You can almost hear him say “Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? WHYYYY????”

Just because you like to wear Timbs doesn’t mean I need to wear their doggy-equivalent, Pimbs.  For the love of God, please stop!  Don’t let your dog suffer from PTBWD. 

My fellow Dog Americans, if you are reading this, you have been warned.  Winter is coming.  You’ve been hearing whispered conversations on the phone with phrases like, “I cannot wait for boot season!”  She’s not only talking about her boots…BUT YOURS TOO!  SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU CAN!  Call Snoopy and ask him to file some sort of injunction since he seems to be a jack of all trades.  In the meantime, start doing yoga during the day while she is at work.  A little downward dog will help limber up those muscles you’ll need to maneuver around the furniture to escape “DUggs”.  Don’t be a statistic.  Pray to Lassie that it’s enough.

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Reasonable Doubt

Dear Riley,

Last night, my Mom came home from work and started freaking out & screaming.  At first, I thought she was drunk but realized that she was home too early to have been at happy hour.  All I kept hearing was “BAD GIRL!!!  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”  Then, I focus on what she’s screaming about:

Exhibit #1…a classic “who dunnit?”

She thinks I did it.  Didn’t even ASK ME.  No benefit of the doubt.  No “innocent until proven guilty.”  I feel like I’m being animally profiled.  Just because the trash can is on its side and its contents are strewn about…all fingers point to me.  I’m writing you this letter from jail (i.e. my crate where I’m in time out).  How do I acquit myself of these heinous charges? 

~Pleading For Paw Justice

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Dear Paw Justice,

This is a classic case of animal profiling and I think I can help get you released from the Crate Clink.  You need to create reasonable doubt.  That’s all.  And, it is so very easy.

Have a list of other possible suspects

1.  Does your mom use a maid service?  If so, write down “Betty from Molly Maids” with an asterisk explaining the time she didn’t tip Betty last Christmas because she spent all her money on some complicated eggnog recipe from Pinterest.

2.  Use the phrase, “Remember Bobby?” (or whatever name is appropriate).  Suggest that maybe the random man she let spend the night with her broke in the house.  Trust me…there is always some random man from the past.  Use that shame to your advantage.  How can she judge you now?

3.  Fugue State.  Suggest that maybe SHE knocked over the trash can in a sugar/alcohol-induced fugue state.  Was she eating a lot of cookies and crying about Bobby the night before?  Are there any wine bottles laying beside the trash can?  If so, use the following phrase, “if the empty wine bottle/cookie bag fits, you must acquit.”

Guilt

Turn those big eyes on her and look like she cut your heart out with those unfounded allegations.  She won’t look at you?  Start howling spirituals and pick your dog bowl up with your teeth and run it across the bars that keep you isolated from the sweet freedom you deserve.  If she has wireless, start an online petition with MoveOn.org.

If all that fails, wait until later that evening when she is sleeping and go pee on her coat.  It will be dry by morning and she won’t notice she smells like pee until she is at work.  Justice is served.

Riley aka Dr. Justice

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Allow Me to Introduce Myself

What up, y’all?  Name’s Riley.  I’m here to act as an advisor/life coach/probation officer to dog parents.  I’ve been trying to train my own mama for 6 years…but she is a bit slow.  I won’t give up though.  I’m pretty sure she knows what to expect if she tries to leave me alone when it’s clear I want to ride in the car with her (answer?  pee on her favorite blanket).  So what if she is going to work?  I’m pretty sure those people have arms and hands…to rub my belly.  I might be able to offer up a way to run the office more efficiently.  Instead, I’m forced to stay at home and nap all day while figuring out how to get in the garbage.  This is what happens when you aren’t given chances.

What can you expect from this blog?  I’ll be answering questions, providing coaching on various situations, publishing public notices to Doggy DFCS for any violations I see (i.e. dogs in strollers…what is that even about?) and just my general musings.  Got a question?  Let me know.  Otherwise, get out your pen and paper…it’s time to get started.

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