Last night, my Mom came home from work and started freaking out & screaming. At first, I thought she was drunk but realized that she was home too early to have been at happy hour. All I kept hearing was “BAD GIRL!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?” Then, I focus on what she’s screaming about:
She thinks I did it. Didn’t even ASK ME. No benefit of the doubt. No “innocent until proven guilty.” I feel like I’m being animally profiled. Just because the trash can is on its side and its contents are strewn about…all fingers point to me. I’m writing you this letter from jail (i.e. my crate where I’m in time out). How do I acquit myself of these heinous charges?
~Pleading For Paw Justice
Dear Paw Justice,
This is a classic case of animal profiling and I think I can help get you released from the Crate Clink. You need to create reasonable doubt. That’s all. And, it is so very easy.
Have a list of other possible suspects.
1. Does your mom use a maid service? If so, write down “Betty from Molly Maids” with an asterisk explaining the time she didn’t tip Betty last Christmas because she spent all her money on some complicated eggnog recipe from Pinterest.
2. Use the phrase, “Remember Bobby?” (or whatever name is appropriate). Suggest that maybe the random man she let spend the night with her broke in the house. Trust me…there is always some random man from the past. Use that shame to your advantage. How can she judge you now?
3. Fugue State. Suggest that maybe SHE knocked over the trash can in a sugar/alcohol-induced fugue state. Was she eating a lot of cookies and crying about Bobby the night before? Are there any wine bottles laying beside the trash can? If so, use the following phrase, “if the empty wine bottle/cookie bag fits, you must acquit.”
Turn those big eyes on her and look like she cut your heart out with those unfounded allegations. She won’t look at you? Start howling spirituals and pick your dog bowl up with your teeth and run it across the bars that keep you isolated from the sweet freedom you deserve. If she has wireless, start an online petition with MoveOn.org.
If all that fails, wait until later that evening when she is sleeping and go pee on her coat. It will be dry by morning and she won’t notice she smells like pee until she is at work. Justice is served.
Riley aka Dr. Justice