I knew this day would come. When those mangy, grubby nut-fiends would finally make their move to take over my yard. Sure, I’d seen them outside jumping from limb to limb and scrambling up trees looking like they just stole something…and I promptly barked out, “YOU BETTA NEVA LET ME SEE YOU ON MY PROPERTY AGAIN OR IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG AND I DON’T EVEN OWN A COLECOVISION SO IT’S REALLY REAL, SON!”
I wasn’t too worried about them because they usually stayed far enough away that I could only see their lice-infested bushy tails. Then, I went on what my Mom likes to call a “staycation” at the kennel (while she flew off to Cancun…seriously???). A week was apparently long enough for them to implement their attack plan because they were everywhere when I came back!
It took me by surprise as it happened so suddenly. I’m passing by the patio door on my way to my “lab” (i.e. turning over the trash to eat more delicious delights)…when I see it. Some huge fur covered squirrels with big teeth. And they looked to be the size of Ewoks! How many nuts have they been eating? Maybe they are the ones that need an intervention!
I felt so disrespected! So, I had to pull out the Ike Turner and let them know I’d be fining them $5 if they didn’t get off my property. But they still taunted me with those big eyes & teeth…sitting directly on the lawn furniture eating nuts! What??? You want some sweet tea too? WHY ARE YOU HERE??? GET OUT!!!
They just looked at me and gave me a slow blink. I knew what I had to do…go Godfather. That’s right. The horsehead was effective with that movie producer and I just knew that something similar would freak those uppity squirrels out. So, I went and got my
chew toys test dummies to show them what would happen if that patio door was ever opened…and then I mouthed the word “SQUIRRELPOCALYPSE” before blacking out in a fit of rage.