I’m Too Sexy for this Diet

Dog Diet 2Dear Riley,
During a recent visit to hell aka “the vet”, my quack of a doctor told my parents that I need to lose 11 pounds. Her advice? Although I weigh 50 pounds, they should feed me like I weigh 35. Which they took to heart and ended up buying some sort of diet dog food & rationing it out like my name is Dudley Dursley. I can’t sleep, I’m always hungry and I’ve become quite unpleasant. How can I make this abuse stop? Help me, Riley!

From,
Big Sexy in Peachtree City

Dear Big Sexy,
First thing you should know is that going to the vet is a scam. Always ask to see their certified degrees and don’t be afraid to call up that supposed “institution of learning” to verify their credentials. Go online to see the courses they offer. Inevitably, you will find one titled “Doggy Got Back 101”. It’s their go-to line whenever a pet visits them. They give that advice out like candy…but it’s not sweet. It’s very sour.

Second, feeding you like you weigh 35 pounds?? Seriously? Stop the madness!! Please don’t become dogorexic behind this. You need to eat! Don’t let Doggie Houser, Fake MD tell you that you need to have a body like those dogs in Hollywood. Those pictures are Photoshopped!!  I have it on good authority that the Taco Bell dog wears Spanx.  Curves are where it’s at!  Embrace it!  Listen to Adele and let that soothe your nerves.

Third, call PETA…they can help you.  Clearly this is unethical treatment.  For good measure, call DFCS (Department of Family & Children Services) too. 

Fourth, act out. I guarantee that a couple of days of you showing out because you are hungry will end this farce. Parents don’t like having to deal with extended foolishness. Make sure you act a fool during their favorite tv programs. Trust me…works every time. If my Mom does something I don’t like, I wait until Scandal is on then start running around and barking…maybe pee next to the speakers or sit on the remote to change the channel right when Fitz & Olivia start getting it on.  Decide on how big a statement you want to make. I always advise “go big or go home!” It’s up to you. But I will tell you this…I’m eating pretty good these days.

Dog Diet

Holla,
Riley

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