Monthly Archives: June 2014

Letter to my Mommy — “No More Street Life”

Hey, y’all!!! I’m back! Now, I could apologize for not having written in so long but I’m not. Because I’m not sorry. I’ve been chilling, man. Living life in a brand new big city and going on daily walks with my personal assistant (although my Mommy says it’s my “dog walker”). Hey, potato…po-tah-to.  Regardless of all that, I’m just saying that you ain’t gettin’ an apology from me because I’m too big time for that now. Shoot, I won’t even do it for the Vine.

But, I am still here to help out my fellow dog.  To wit…my Mommy and I were walking down the street and I noticed a homeless man (not unusual)…but he had a dog.  WHAT?  And Moses the Mutt was just sitting there like that is where he belonged.  Um, buddy?  Can I call you Eminem (like M&M…short for Moses the Mutt <—– see what I did there?)?  Why are you doing this?  Don’t you know there is a law that anyone that has a dog is supposed to give all their money to their care and well-being?  If he has $3, that entire amount goes to treats and toys…he can survive off of big gulps of air.  I’m pretty sure I’m right.  My Mommy is a lawyer which makes me one by default and I am qualified to practice in the jurisdiction of Common Sense.  Please have a long talk with your Daddy and tell him to start making better decisions.  Then, go find someplace to live until he gets back on his feet.  It’s hot in these streets.

To make 100% sure that this doesn’t happen to me, I figured I’ll just write a letter for my Mommy to read if she somehow becomes destitute.

Dear Mommy,

Hey…so, looks like you are going thru some hard times.  That sucks.  I noticed that my personal assistant is no longer taking my calls.  She said something about not being paid?  Listen, I know you are stressed out but this just got real.  I need my walks and rubs.  If you lose our place to live, I’m going to go live with Big Mama and Big Daddy.  I’m pretty sure they hate those names but it’s all I have right now.  Can’t take that away from me too.  I’m confident they will take me in because they know I left life on the streets 8 years ago and now that I am in my senior years, I’m living my life like it’s golden.  Which means you need to be able to afford treats and toys.  If you need to pawn something, look at your jewelry box.  Leave Mr. Cuddles alone.

Once you get your life back on track and have demonstrated financial solvency for at least 6 months, I will come back and live with you.  Until then, you can find me at Grammy’s…where bills are paid on time.  They will probably want to talk to you about making better decisions and possibly getting a job at Dairy Queen or the cleaners until you have an 8 month emergency fund created.  Listen to them.  They know what they are talking about.  How do I know this?  Because they aren’t living in the streets.  Help us, help you.

All the best,

Riley

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