Category Archives: Dear Riley

Letter to my Mommy — “No More Street Life”

Hey, y’all!!! I’m back! Now, I could apologize for not having written in so long but I’m not. Because I’m not sorry. I’ve been chilling, man. Living life in a brand new big city and going on daily walks with my personal assistant (although my Mommy says it’s my “dog walker”). Hey, potato…po-tah-to.  Regardless of all that, I’m just saying that you ain’t gettin’ an apology from me because I’m too big time for that now. Shoot, I won’t even do it for the Vine.

But, I am still here to help out my fellow dog.  To wit…my Mommy and I were walking down the street and I noticed a homeless man (not unusual)…but he had a dog.  WHAT?  And Moses the Mutt was just sitting there like that is where he belonged.  Um, buddy?  Can I call you Eminem (like M&M…short for Moses the Mutt <—– see what I did there?)?  Why are you doing this?  Don’t you know there is a law that anyone that has a dog is supposed to give all their money to their care and well-being?  If he has $3, that entire amount goes to treats and toys…he can survive off of big gulps of air.  I’m pretty sure I’m right.  My Mommy is a lawyer which makes me one by default and I am qualified to practice in the jurisdiction of Common Sense.  Please have a long talk with your Daddy and tell him to start making better decisions.  Then, go find someplace to live until he gets back on his feet.  It’s hot in these streets.

To make 100% sure that this doesn’t happen to me, I figured I’ll just write a letter for my Mommy to read if she somehow becomes destitute.

Dear Mommy,

Hey…so, looks like you are going thru some hard times.  That sucks.  I noticed that my personal assistant is no longer taking my calls.  She said something about not being paid?  Listen, I know you are stressed out but this just got real.  I need my walks and rubs.  If you lose our place to live, I’m going to go live with Big Mama and Big Daddy.  I’m pretty sure they hate those names but it’s all I have right now.  Can’t take that away from me too.  I’m confident they will take me in because they know I left life on the streets 8 years ago and now that I am in my senior years, I’m living my life like it’s golden.  Which means you need to be able to afford treats and toys.  If you need to pawn something, look at your jewelry box.  Leave Mr. Cuddles alone.

Once you get your life back on track and have demonstrated financial solvency for at least 6 months, I will come back and live with you.  Until then, you can find me at Grammy’s…where bills are paid on time.  They will probably want to talk to you about making better decisions and possibly getting a job at Dairy Queen or the cleaners until you have an 8 month emergency fund created.  Listen to them.  They know what they are talking about.  How do I know this?  Because they aren’t living in the streets.  Help us, help you.

All the best,

Riley

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I’m Too Sexy for this Diet

Dog Diet 2Dear Riley,
During a recent visit to hell aka “the vet”, my quack of a doctor told my parents that I need to lose 11 pounds. Her advice? Although I weigh 50 pounds, they should feed me like I weigh 35. Which they took to heart and ended up buying some sort of diet dog food & rationing it out like my name is Dudley Dursley. I can’t sleep, I’m always hungry and I’ve become quite unpleasant. How can I make this abuse stop? Help me, Riley!

From,
Big Sexy in Peachtree City

Dear Big Sexy,
First thing you should know is that going to the vet is a scam. Always ask to see their certified degrees and don’t be afraid to call up that supposed “institution of learning” to verify their credentials. Go online to see the courses they offer. Inevitably, you will find one titled “Doggy Got Back 101”. It’s their go-to line whenever a pet visits them. They give that advice out like candy…but it’s not sweet. It’s very sour.

Second, feeding you like you weigh 35 pounds?? Seriously? Stop the madness!! Please don’t become dogorexic behind this. You need to eat! Don’t let Doggie Houser, Fake MD tell you that you need to have a body like those dogs in Hollywood. Those pictures are Photoshopped!!  I have it on good authority that the Taco Bell dog wears Spanx.  Curves are where it’s at!  Embrace it!  Listen to Adele and let that soothe your nerves.

Third, call PETA…they can help you.  Clearly this is unethical treatment.  For good measure, call DFCS (Department of Family & Children Services) too. 

Fourth, act out. I guarantee that a couple of days of you showing out because you are hungry will end this farce. Parents don’t like having to deal with extended foolishness. Make sure you act a fool during their favorite tv programs. Trust me…works every time. If my Mom does something I don’t like, I wait until Scandal is on then start running around and barking…maybe pee next to the speakers or sit on the remote to change the channel right when Fitz & Olivia start getting it on.  Decide on how big a statement you want to make. I always advise “go big or go home!” It’s up to you. But I will tell you this…I’m eating pretty good these days.

Dog Diet

Holla,
Riley

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Reasonable Doubt

Dear Riley,

Last night, my Mom came home from work and started freaking out & screaming.  At first, I thought she was drunk but realized that she was home too early to have been at happy hour.  All I kept hearing was “BAD GIRL!!!  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”  Then, I focus on what she’s screaming about:

Exhibit #1…a classic “who dunnit?”

She thinks I did it.  Didn’t even ASK ME.  No benefit of the doubt.  No “innocent until proven guilty.”  I feel like I’m being animally profiled.  Just because the trash can is on its side and its contents are strewn about…all fingers point to me.  I’m writing you this letter from jail (i.e. my crate where I’m in time out).  How do I acquit myself of these heinous charges? 

~Pleading For Paw Justice

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Dear Paw Justice,

This is a classic case of animal profiling and I think I can help get you released from the Crate Clink.  You need to create reasonable doubt.  That’s all.  And, it is so very easy.

Have a list of other possible suspects

1.  Does your mom use a maid service?  If so, write down “Betty from Molly Maids” with an asterisk explaining the time she didn’t tip Betty last Christmas because she spent all her money on some complicated eggnog recipe from Pinterest.

2.  Use the phrase, “Remember Bobby?” (or whatever name is appropriate).  Suggest that maybe the random man she let spend the night with her broke in the house.  Trust me…there is always some random man from the past.  Use that shame to your advantage.  How can she judge you now?

3.  Fugue State.  Suggest that maybe SHE knocked over the trash can in a sugar/alcohol-induced fugue state.  Was she eating a lot of cookies and crying about Bobby the night before?  Are there any wine bottles laying beside the trash can?  If so, use the following phrase, “if the empty wine bottle/cookie bag fits, you must acquit.”

Guilt

Turn those big eyes on her and look like she cut your heart out with those unfounded allegations.  She won’t look at you?  Start howling spirituals and pick your dog bowl up with your teeth and run it across the bars that keep you isolated from the sweet freedom you deserve.  If she has wireless, start an online petition with MoveOn.org.

If all that fails, wait until later that evening when she is sleeping and go pee on her coat.  It will be dry by morning and she won’t notice she smells like pee until she is at work.  Justice is served.

Riley aka Dr. Justice

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