Tag Archives: dog food

I’m Too Sexy for this Diet

Dog Diet 2Dear Riley,
During a recent visit to hell aka “the vet”, my quack of a doctor told my parents that I need to lose 11 pounds. Her advice? Although I weigh 50 pounds, they should feed me like I weigh 35. Which they took to heart and ended up buying some sort of diet dog food & rationing it out like my name is Dudley Dursley. I can’t sleep, I’m always hungry and I’ve become quite unpleasant. How can I make this abuse stop? Help me, Riley!

From,
Big Sexy in Peachtree City

Dear Big Sexy,
First thing you should know is that going to the vet is a scam. Always ask to see their certified degrees and don’t be afraid to call up that supposed “institution of learning” to verify their credentials. Go online to see the courses they offer. Inevitably, you will find one titled “Doggy Got Back 101”. It’s their go-to line whenever a pet visits them. They give that advice out like candy…but it’s not sweet. It’s very sour.

Second, feeding you like you weigh 35 pounds?? Seriously? Stop the madness!! Please don’t become dogorexic behind this. You need to eat! Don’t let Doggie Houser, Fake MD tell you that you need to have a body like those dogs in Hollywood. Those pictures are Photoshopped!!  I have it on good authority that the Taco Bell dog wears Spanx.  Curves are where it’s at!  Embrace it!  Listen to Adele and let that soothe your nerves.

Third, call PETA…they can help you.  Clearly this is unethical treatment.  For good measure, call DFCS (Department of Family & Children Services) too. 

Fourth, act out. I guarantee that a couple of days of you showing out because you are hungry will end this farce. Parents don’t like having to deal with extended foolishness. Make sure you act a fool during their favorite tv programs. Trust me…works every time. If my Mom does something I don’t like, I wait until Scandal is on then start running around and barking…maybe pee next to the speakers or sit on the remote to change the channel right when Fitz & Olivia start getting it on.  Decide on how big a statement you want to make. I always advise “go big or go home!” It’s up to you. But I will tell you this…I’m eating pretty good these days.

Dog Diet

Holla,
Riley

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The Garbage Gourmet

source (funnyfidos.com)

source (funnyfidos.com)

I’m thinking about starting my own food line called “The Garbage Gourmet”.  It will be geared towards all of my canine culinary aficionados…you know, the dogs that have a taste for the finer things.  

As with any successful company, you have to test & quality check your product before going to market.  Clearly, my unwitting investor (aka, my Mom) doesn’t realize this is a critical step on the road to success.  Why does she thwart my creativity? 

Who cares if there is trash all over the floor?   Where do you think the ingredients come from?  China?  Maybe if she were to pay more attention to the allowed foods on her diet, she wouldn’t have time to notice my “lab” of food strewn about the kitchen floor.  Delicious day old chicken, a steak bone…it’s like I’ve died and gone to heaven!  Wait…did you just say “ewww?”  Clearly, your taste buds are deficient.  Any dog will attest that finding a t-bone in the trash is fine dining.  We know about fine dining…why do you think we lick ourselves?  BECAUSE WE TASTE LIKE CHICKEN.  Sheesh.

Instead of fussing at me for getting in the garbage (which really is kind of like my very own amazon.com), she should be encouraging me while I find the right ingredients for Riley’s Remoulade sauce!  That could make her a bundle!  See?  I’m not selfish.  I look out for my people.

So…if I can continue to have access to the un-freshest ingredients around, I should be able to have my line of haute Garbage Gourmet food on the market by the summer.  Start saving your money…because you are going to want this for your beloved pet.  If you don’t buy it, then you don’t love your dog.  Just sayin’…buy my stuff.

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