Tag Archives: dog photos

I’m Too Sexy for this Diet

Dog Diet 2Dear Riley,
During a recent visit to hell aka “the vet”, my quack of a doctor told my parents that I need to lose 11 pounds. Her advice? Although I weigh 50 pounds, they should feed me like I weigh 35. Which they took to heart and ended up buying some sort of diet dog food & rationing it out like my name is Dudley Dursley. I can’t sleep, I’m always hungry and I’ve become quite unpleasant. How can I make this abuse stop? Help me, Riley!

From,
Big Sexy in Peachtree City

Dear Big Sexy,
First thing you should know is that going to the vet is a scam. Always ask to see their certified degrees and don’t be afraid to call up that supposed “institution of learning” to verify their credentials. Go online to see the courses they offer. Inevitably, you will find one titled “Doggy Got Back 101”. It’s their go-to line whenever a pet visits them. They give that advice out like candy…but it’s not sweet. It’s very sour.

Second, feeding you like you weigh 35 pounds?? Seriously? Stop the madness!! Please don’t become dogorexic behind this. You need to eat! Don’t let Doggie Houser, Fake MD tell you that you need to have a body like those dogs in Hollywood. Those pictures are Photoshopped!!  I have it on good authority that the Taco Bell dog wears Spanx.  Curves are where it’s at!  Embrace it!  Listen to Adele and let that soothe your nerves.

Third, call PETA…they can help you.  Clearly this is unethical treatment.  For good measure, call DFCS (Department of Family & Children Services) too. 

Fourth, act out. I guarantee that a couple of days of you showing out because you are hungry will end this farce. Parents don’t like having to deal with extended foolishness. Make sure you act a fool during their favorite tv programs. Trust me…works every time. If my Mom does something I don’t like, I wait until Scandal is on then start running around and barking…maybe pee next to the speakers or sit on the remote to change the channel right when Fitz & Olivia start getting it on.  Decide on how big a statement you want to make. I always advise “go big or go home!” It’s up to you. But I will tell you this…I’m eating pretty good these days.

Dog Diet

Holla,
Riley

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A Doggone Shame

Recently, I was watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with my Mom and something about that dog, Gigi, just gives me a headache.  I don’t know if it’s the bedazzled onesies he wears…the fact that he drinks wine out of a goblet…or that he always has an attitude when the camera is focused on him (and that may be because he is drunk and wearing a Liberace-inspired “outfit”, who knows?).  What I do know is this…Gigi is dangerous.  He is the poster dog of Doggy Couture.  And I am fully against that.  It’s a slippery slope from doggy outfits to doggy costumes for parties.  Don’t believe me?  Look at these poor suckers.

This is clever...but look at his face. He looks beaten down by life.

This is clever…but look at his face. He looks beaten down by life.

Seriously?  I know he gets beat up in doggy daycare behind this.  CH-CH-CH-CHIA!

Seriously? I know he gets beat up in doggy daycare behind this. CH-CH-CH-CHIA!

I only have one comment on this...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I only have one comment on this…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Don’t be a statistic, my canine friends.

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Intervention

20130302-175200.jpgI’m emotionally exhausted…what you see on A&E’s “Intervention” is TRUE TO LIFE! My Mom just sat me down and had some sort of talk with me about how it is unreasonable that I go thru an entire bag of treats during a week at the kennel. I expected her to pull out a letter and start reading to me. I went thru the following steps trying to process what was happening:

ANGER

I ONLY HAD A COUPLE OF TREATS! Who keeps track of how many treats are eaten in a day? I’m not some sort of treat counter or mathematician. That’s not my job. I was just trying to survive the mean streets of Barking Hound Village. I don’t care that it says “luxury boarding”…you don’t know how it really is. What? There are webcams where you can watch me? Oh. Nevermind.

DENIAL

Well, if you were watching the webcam ALL THE TIME, then you saw that Peanut stole a bunch of treats! That’s right. He was making it rain Snausages! I barely had any treats to eat! I’m treat deficient! I might even need an IV full of liquid treats. So go read your letter to him cuz the paw ain’t listening, honey.

BARGAINING

She seemed to be pretty intent on this intervention thing so I had to try another tactic. I threw out a phrase I hear her say to her own mother when the topic of weight gain is approached, “I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER!!” Okay, listen…maybe I do eat more than I should but it’s only because I felt my sugar getting low and I didn’t want to pass out as I was chasing Peanut around the yard trying to get back the treats he stole. Come on…don’t you love me? (insert sad face)

GUILT

Oh, you are thinking that I felt guilt? No, sir/ma’am. This stage is for inflicting guilt on someone else. This is what you have to do when all else fails…this baby works every time. YOU ABANDONED ME TO GO ON VACATION!!!!

Make sure you really play it up...the sadder you look, the more treats you will get to make up for the "abandonment"

Make sure you really play it up…the sadder you look, the more treats you will get to make up for the “abandonment”

I’m eating treats as I type this…told ya it would work. She is such a sucker.

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Christmas Photo? Nope

Apparently, it’s Christmas card time which means I have to be subjected to the camera…again.  Seriously.  Like I’m Gisele or something.  Here’s a tidbit about me…I buck the system.  A non-conformist.  You say left…I go right.  The photographer tries all kinds of tricks to make me look like a sap.  I saw Peanut during his photo shoot.  Dude, really?  This is not going to be a calendar.  You want a picture of me?  Then you are going to get Real Riley.  So when I was dropped off for photos at daycare last week, my Mom didn’t have a clue what my pictures would look like until today.  I’m sure she clicked thru the other dogs’ photos and thought “how cute!”  Then she got to mine.  Checkmate.

Merry freaking Christmas, from Riley

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