Tag Archives: pet advice

Letter to my Mommy — “No More Street Life”

Hey, y’all!!! I’m back! Now, I could apologize for not having written in so long but I’m not. Because I’m not sorry. I’ve been chilling, man. Living life in a brand new big city and going on daily walks with my personal assistant (although my Mommy says it’s my “dog walker”). Hey, potato…po-tah-to.  Regardless of all that, I’m just saying that you ain’t gettin’ an apology from me because I’m too big time for that now. Shoot, I won’t even do it for the Vine.

But, I am still here to help out my fellow dog.  To wit…my Mommy and I were walking down the street and I noticed a homeless man (not unusual)…but he had a dog.  WHAT?  And Moses the Mutt was just sitting there like that is where he belonged.  Um, buddy?  Can I call you Eminem (like M&M…short for Moses the Mutt <—– see what I did there?)?  Why are you doing this?  Don’t you know there is a law that anyone that has a dog is supposed to give all their money to their care and well-being?  If he has $3, that entire amount goes to treats and toys…he can survive off of big gulps of air.  I’m pretty sure I’m right.  My Mommy is a lawyer which makes me one by default and I am qualified to practice in the jurisdiction of Common Sense.  Please have a long talk with your Daddy and tell him to start making better decisions.  Then, go find someplace to live until he gets back on his feet.  It’s hot in these streets.

To make 100% sure that this doesn’t happen to me, I figured I’ll just write a letter for my Mommy to read if she somehow becomes destitute.

Dear Mommy,

Hey…so, looks like you are going thru some hard times.  That sucks.  I noticed that my personal assistant is no longer taking my calls.  She said something about not being paid?  Listen, I know you are stressed out but this just got real.  I need my walks and rubs.  If you lose our place to live, I’m going to go live with Big Mama and Big Daddy.  I’m pretty sure they hate those names but it’s all I have right now.  Can’t take that away from me too.  I’m confident they will take me in because they know I left life on the streets 8 years ago and now that I am in my senior years, I’m living my life like it’s golden.  Which means you need to be able to afford treats and toys.  If you need to pawn something, look at your jewelry box.  Leave Mr. Cuddles alone.

Once you get your life back on track and have demonstrated financial solvency for at least 6 months, I will come back and live with you.  Until then, you can find me at Grammy’s…where bills are paid on time.  They will probably want to talk to you about making better decisions and possibly getting a job at Dairy Queen or the cleaners until you have an 8 month emergency fund created.  Listen to them.  They know what they are talking about.  How do I know this?  Because they aren’t living in the streets.  Help us, help you.

All the best,


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I’m Too Sexy for this Diet

Dog Diet 2Dear Riley,
During a recent visit to hell aka “the vet”, my quack of a doctor told my parents that I need to lose 11 pounds. Her advice? Although I weigh 50 pounds, they should feed me like I weigh 35. Which they took to heart and ended up buying some sort of diet dog food & rationing it out like my name is Dudley Dursley. I can’t sleep, I’m always hungry and I’ve become quite unpleasant. How can I make this abuse stop? Help me, Riley!

Big Sexy in Peachtree City

Dear Big Sexy,
First thing you should know is that going to the vet is a scam. Always ask to see their certified degrees and don’t be afraid to call up that supposed “institution of learning” to verify their credentials. Go online to see the courses they offer. Inevitably, you will find one titled “Doggy Got Back 101”. It’s their go-to line whenever a pet visits them. They give that advice out like candy…but it’s not sweet. It’s very sour.

Second, feeding you like you weigh 35 pounds?? Seriously? Stop the madness!! Please don’t become dogorexic behind this. You need to eat! Don’t let Doggie Houser, Fake MD tell you that you need to have a body like those dogs in Hollywood. Those pictures are Photoshopped!!  I have it on good authority that the Taco Bell dog wears Spanx.  Curves are where it’s at!  Embrace it!  Listen to Adele and let that soothe your nerves.

Third, call PETA…they can help you.  Clearly this is unethical treatment.  For good measure, call DFCS (Department of Family & Children Services) too. 

Fourth, act out. I guarantee that a couple of days of you showing out because you are hungry will end this farce. Parents don’t like having to deal with extended foolishness. Make sure you act a fool during their favorite tv programs. Trust me…works every time. If my Mom does something I don’t like, I wait until Scandal is on then start running around and barking…maybe pee next to the speakers or sit on the remote to change the channel right when Fitz & Olivia start getting it on.  Decide on how big a statement you want to make. I always advise “go big or go home!” It’s up to you. But I will tell you this…I’m eating pretty good these days.

Dog Diet


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A Doggone Shame

Recently, I was watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with my Mom and something about that dog, Gigi, just gives me a headache.  I don’t know if it’s the bedazzled onesies he wears…the fact that he drinks wine out of a goblet…or that he always has an attitude when the camera is focused on him (and that may be because he is drunk and wearing a Liberace-inspired “outfit”, who knows?).  What I do know is this…Gigi is dangerous.  He is the poster dog of Doggy Couture.  And I am fully against that.  It’s a slippery slope from doggy outfits to doggy costumes for parties.  Don’t believe me?  Look at these poor suckers.

This is clever...but look at his face. He looks beaten down by life.

This is clever…but look at his face. He looks beaten down by life.

Seriously?  I know he gets beat up in doggy daycare behind this.  CH-CH-CH-CHIA!

Seriously? I know he gets beat up in doggy daycare behind this. CH-CH-CH-CHIA!

I only have one comment on this...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I only have one comment on this…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Don’t be a statistic, my canine friends.

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20130302-175200.jpgI’m emotionally exhausted…what you see on A&E’s “Intervention” is TRUE TO LIFE! My Mom just sat me down and had some sort of talk with me about how it is unreasonable that I go thru an entire bag of treats during a week at the kennel. I expected her to pull out a letter and start reading to me. I went thru the following steps trying to process what was happening:


I ONLY HAD A COUPLE OF TREATS! Who keeps track of how many treats are eaten in a day? I’m not some sort of treat counter or mathematician. That’s not my job. I was just trying to survive the mean streets of Barking Hound Village. I don’t care that it says “luxury boarding”…you don’t know how it really is. What? There are webcams where you can watch me? Oh. Nevermind.


Well, if you were watching the webcam ALL THE TIME, then you saw that Peanut stole a bunch of treats! That’s right. He was making it rain Snausages! I barely had any treats to eat! I’m treat deficient! I might even need an IV full of liquid treats. So go read your letter to him cuz the paw ain’t listening, honey.


She seemed to be pretty intent on this intervention thing so I had to try another tactic. I threw out a phrase I hear her say to her own mother when the topic of weight gain is approached, “I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER!!” Okay, listen…maybe I do eat more than I should but it’s only because I felt my sugar getting low and I didn’t want to pass out as I was chasing Peanut around the yard trying to get back the treats he stole. Come on…don’t you love me? (insert sad face)


Oh, you are thinking that I felt guilt? No, sir/ma’am. This stage is for inflicting guilt on someone else. This is what you have to do when all else fails…this baby works every time. YOU ABANDONED ME TO GO ON VACATION!!!!

Make sure you really play it up...the sadder you look, the more treats you will get to make up for the "abandonment"

Make sure you really play it up…the sadder you look, the more treats you will get to make up for the “abandonment”

I’m eating treats as I type this…told ya it would work. She is such a sucker.

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The Garbage Gourmet

source (funnyfidos.com)

source (funnyfidos.com)

I’m thinking about starting my own food line called “The Garbage Gourmet”.  It will be geared towards all of my canine culinary aficionados…you know, the dogs that have a taste for the finer things.  

As with any successful company, you have to test & quality check your product before going to market.  Clearly, my unwitting investor (aka, my Mom) doesn’t realize this is a critical step on the road to success.  Why does she thwart my creativity? 

Who cares if there is trash all over the floor?   Where do you think the ingredients come from?  China?  Maybe if she were to pay more attention to the allowed foods on her diet, she wouldn’t have time to notice my “lab” of food strewn about the kitchen floor.  Delicious day old chicken, a steak bone…it’s like I’ve died and gone to heaven!  Wait…did you just say “ewww?”  Clearly, your taste buds are deficient.  Any dog will attest that finding a t-bone in the trash is fine dining.  We know about fine dining…why do you think we lick ourselves?  BECAUSE WE TASTE LIKE CHICKEN.  Sheesh.

Instead of fussing at me for getting in the garbage (which really is kind of like my very own amazon.com), she should be encouraging me while I find the right ingredients for Riley’s Remoulade sauce!  That could make her a bundle!  See?  I’m not selfish.  I look out for my people.

So…if I can continue to have access to the un-freshest ingredients around, I should be able to have my line of haute Garbage Gourmet food on the market by the summer.  Start saving your money…because you are going to want this for your beloved pet.  If you don’t buy it, then you don’t love your dog.  Just sayin’…buy my stuff.

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Dog Scouts

Badges? Really? (source: Dog Scouts website)

So, this lady (that’s what I call my Mom when she gets “extra”) has just read an article about an organization called Dog Scouts. Sigh…more crap for me to do. It’s like she has blocked out how I got kicked out of obedience training class.

Look at those poor suckers. Sad thing is they look like they like it!!! Earning badges as a reward for being obedient? What fool does that??? Clearly they have been brainwashed…I bet they make them drink special water (DON’T DRINK THE KOOL-AID FELLAS!!). Just like the Westminster cult (you know the one…they parade their fanaticism around on tv every year in some sort of dog pageant). This Dog Scouts thing seems eerily close to what that David Koresh guy was about. I’m just sayin’.

Since I don’t like taking directions or wearing bandanas, I know this ain’t gonna work for me. Maybe she took a sip out of that hallucinogenic dog bowl if she thinks I’m about to walk up in there & play nice. I’m banned from 3 dog parks!!! I have a reputation to protect. Nobody is scared of a scout!!!

Sigh…if you don’t hear from me in a few days, call the FBI.

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