Okay…what is this? What self-respecting dog wears these? Clearly this puppy is being taken advantage of. Look into his eyes? He has that wild-eyed look like he’s on the hunt for another hit of Beggin’ Strips. Where are the “puppy rights” advocates? Has America learned nothing from the downward spirals of Spuds MacKenzie (strung out on Bud Light), Scooby Doo (high as a kite with his dealer Shaggy) and Baxter (who, after reaching international fame in the movie Anchorman, started wearing Sex Panther cologne and taking “mood enhancers”)? Apparently, 60% of the time, it works every time.
Parents…this is a plea. We don’t like this stuff. You are wasting your money. Money that can be used to buy us more treats, gourmet dog food, toys and days at doggie daycare. You need to learn to prioritize.
Let me life coach you for a minute and offer you a personal testimony. I’m a recovering “boot wearer”…my grandfather bought a pair for my uncle last Christmas…who promptly re-gifted to me. Traumatic doesn’t begin to describe what happened. The phrases “keep his paws clean from snow” and “less mud tracked in” were thrown around and next thing I know, I’ve been hog-tied and boots were strapped on me. I still suffer night terrors.
Just because you like to wear Timbs doesn’t mean I need to wear their doggy-equivalent, Pimbs. For the love of God, please stop! Don’t let your dog suffer from PTBWD.
My fellow Dog Americans, if you are reading this, you have been warned. Winter is coming. You’ve been hearing whispered conversations on the phone with phrases like, “I cannot wait for boot season!” She’s not only talking about her boots…BUT YOURS TOO! SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU CAN! Call Snoopy and ask him to file some sort of injunction since he seems to be a jack of all trades. In the meantime, start doing yoga during the day while she is at work. A little downward dog will help limber up those muscles you’ll need to maneuver around the furniture to escape “DUggs”. Don’t be a statistic. Pray to Lassie that it’s enough.